Bro-Truck (The OppositeLock Review)

"Jay Lauer" (thefaultinourcars) 12/02/2013 at 11:03 • Filed to: None

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100

I've never been much of a truck person. I respect them. I understand their use in the world, in the same way I understand the proper use of the Tic-Tac lid/holder, but I still don't use it. I've driven numerous trucks, diesel and gas alike, but I had never driven anything with a lift.

Now this is a review of A lifted truck, not ALL lifted trucks. The review is relative to the truck pictured above, so please don't complain about how much better your truck is or one that's properly set up is because 1) you're probably right and 2) it's not my lifted truck, so I won't really care.

First off, coming from driving a peppy-little Mazda3 at the time, there's one key feature that you really have to get used to in a lifted pickup; THE SIZE. My small hatch had left me with this sense of security that I always had space to drive and flow between traffic. I had no parking troubles and I could easily avoid colliding with things. The lifted truck has none of that.

See that basketball goal? Too late, you've already hit it. See that parking meter? Too late, it's now under your oil pan.

Now, you could take the Texas approach and see, push, and shove your way through your driving endeavors and let other people worry about sissy things like safety. Sadly, I'm not from Texas, so I can't do that.

I thought I would adjust to the size. After all, I've driven a 70s Lincoln before. I know what humungous is all about. But what I began to realize is that the height plays tricks on your vision. Most things you could hit in a lifted truck and below you, and you can't reference it position in relation to your own.

At this point I should probably make some reference to how it drives.

This particular lifted truck is equipped with the Powerstroke 7.3, one of the last great Ford diesels. It's loud and unsophisticated, but it won't rattle your spine out of your body like a 90s Cummins will. Diesels require a different style of driving and one that's very simple to learn: Drive it like you hate it. It's intoxicating and testosterone filling to beat on. (No pun intended) The rest is par for the course for diesels. It runs, it pulls, and when you goose it, black smoke rolls out as if they're still choosing a new pope.

Handling: There is none.

In most vehicles, you give input through the steering wheel which is then transferred through a number of links than then turn the wheel according to how much lock you provide. In this particular vehicle. Your steering inputs are then transferred into braille, which is given to a deaf worker who then shouts the direction to a blind man, who doesn't trust the deaf man, and decides the steering direction on his own. It's diabolical. The wheels is hooked up (I checked) put at any give moment, theres about 35-45 degrees of play in the wheel, in a 12 year-old car.

The biggest problem with the lifted truck is the owner. Now, I could give a 314 page analysis on why lifted trucks aren't useful and how a normal 4x4 pickup is a much better bargain and how that extra money compounded could solve world hunger, but simple fact is that it won't make a damn bit of difference. They'll still sell and be built like crazy.

The lifted pickup isn't about usability and versatility. It's about getting looked at. It's about fun. It's about compensation. It's about picking up girls who's idol is Luke Bryan. It' s about giving a middle finger to people you've never met before.

My only real bone to pick with the bro-truck is with regards to it's alternative. Bro-trucks are meant for fun and lifted-truck-girl-boners, I get it. I just can't see why somebody would be a 3/4 pickup and lift it instead of buying an already kitted Jeep Wranger (FJ, TJ, Jaguar XJ, or whatever alphabet letter you can put together.)

The Wrangler is lighter, faster, and in my opinion, loads more fun. It's just as lifted and the tires are just as big. I don't have lady parts so I don't know how the Wrangler compares in sex appeal, but it can't differ much. Just to top off the cake, the Wrangler allows to take off the doors. If you've never driven a Wrangler without doors, you've never truly lives. I guarantee that.

I've considered buying a Wrangler on many occasions, but I was always deterred by sensible things like WRX wagons, Mazda3's, BMWs, or V12 Jaguars and Lotus Exiges. ( Ok, that last two I may have never bought.)

But once again, the bro-truck isn't about logic. I can make any argument, rebuttal, witty remark I want, but that won't deter bros and lifted pickups will live on.

505Turbeaux > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 11:10

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good review, but I need to know this proper use of the tic tac lid more

Jay Lauer > 505Turbeaux 12/02/2013 at 11:13

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Thank you.

Make sure to pick up all the pieces of your mind.

thebigbossyboss > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 11:13

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I give this review only 3/10. I would like to hear more about the driving experience and less about the philosphy of bro trucks.

William Byrd > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 11:14

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Whoa...

505Turbeaux > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 11:16

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my mind is so blown right now I cannot even respond. thank you for this :)

dinobot666 > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 11:21

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Needs 20" chrome stacks to complete the bro truck transformation.

Jay Lauer > thebigbossyboss 12/02/2013 at 11:21

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Well the drivetrain is all exactly the same as any 7.3 Diesel pickup, so aside from the diabolical handling, It'll drive the same as a normal pickup.

It's the lift and tires that are changed on this pickup, and a lot of it is common sense. He lifted it without changing the gears, so it's slower. The mud tires slap the pavement like Chris Brown in a constant rage that never ends. And you have no reference when you're getting used to it because of it's size and height. Eventually, you figure it out.

Bro-Trucks aren't bought because they're drivers cars, they're bought to for people to look at while driving, so that's why I put my focus their instead of it's driving dynamics.

But, for it's driving dynamics, it is nowhere near as alive and fun as a Jeep Wrangler. The only real character I felt out of it is from the ludicrousness of it's nature.

I could see having one possibly if it we're an old K15 beater or full-size Bronco beater, because at least you wouldn't have sunken much money into it. Then you'd have an easier time beating on it and begin to enjoy it more.

Jay Lauer > dinobot666 12/02/2013 at 11:23

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along with a rebel flag and a console for of chew.

Jay Lauer > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 11:23

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full*

americancarfanboi > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 11:27

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It runs, it pulls, and when you goose it, black smoke rolls out as if they're still choosing a new pope.

Jay Lauer > americancarfanboi 12/02/2013 at 11:28

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Edited.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 11:30

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There is one large flaw in your logic there.

The true "Bro-Truck" is not functional or used in mud off road so the older blazer/bronco off roader isn't really in play (though it would sure as hell be my choice!).

In that sense the old pickup wouldn't be a bro truck either, these things are really just tall non-functional luxury trucks.

If it goes off road or at least is beat on/abused/used in snow it's not a bro truck.

And the lift helps the newer trucks if you use them off road, I swear newer full size trucks/suv's have lower front end clearance than my 07 Mercury Milan from the factory - "yay aerodynamics/mpg!"...bleh. What's the point of a truck if you can't run anything over?

Jay Lauer > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner 12/02/2013 at 11:34

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You're completely right about all of this. However, if I compared the Bro-Truck to it's actual competitor, a normal car that also never goes off-road, the article would get really mean.

Even new pickup mileage is atrocious. All the new truck have gigantic blunt front noses that push air soooo hard. My father has an 04 F-150 with an Edge tuner for mileage and still only makes 17-18 on the highway.

americancarfanboi > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 11:38

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If you've never driven a Wrangler without doors, you've never truly lived

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 11:42

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KB Garage > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 11:46

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MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 11:48

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Well it would be just as fair to compare it to the big CUV's. They aren't off roaders and are aimed at "status/luxury" rather than functionality for their size.

Examples: Explorer, Acadia, Traverse, etc.

Jay Lauer > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner 12/02/2013 at 11:53

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True. I think that review would be equally as mean. My personally belief is that if you want a comfortable big cruiser with gas mileage and cargo space and luxury, buy a Volvo. Doesn't matter much which one, just buy a Volvo; best use of your money. You don't need to be high off the ground to have safety. The best Volvo alternative to an Acadia/Traverse is an XC70.

P.S. I just really really really don't like the Traverse.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 11:58

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Hahahahaha, I don't either (and being a Ford guy, I really really really don't like the Explorer). I happen to love the new look of the Acadia for 15 and I'm dieing to see what the new Canyon will look like. If I had to pick a big CUV, Acadia wins on looks alone.

The Explorer feels like a minivan inside. The dashboard does it. it's one of those really long flat wind shields that minivans tend to sport. Oh and it handles like one. Sorry Ford!

We have one functional 4x4 that can haul a pile of stuff at our house - Jeep Commander (V6 can top 19 mpg on the highway - I'm impressed giving its size/cinder block styling) and a FWD Mercury Milan V6 (28 mpg). We live in Michigan so I like to have at least 1 4x4 in the house "just in case". And if I could get my wife to stop charging down dirt roads in it, i would be happy lol, gets used on dirt more than those bro trucks for sure.

Jay Lauer > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner 12/02/2013 at 12:06

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Well my mother bought a Traverse over a Mazda CX-9, because she's mad.

My views on the Acadia/Traverse GM Lambda platform are very harsh. The car looks bloated and fat and feels bloated and fat. I'm a normal size male and I feel like a toddler inside. The seats are massive, the hand to pull your door shut is massive. There's huge piece of plastic, and only plastic, that make up the interior. And lastly, there's tracks all over the floor, just covered up by floormats; come on, GM.

The Traverse is all about the appearance of size, like a Bro-Truck. It can be ousted by a smaller Volvo, but it's mostly just inflated out body panels to make it look big.

I always got the impression that the Traverse was aimed at fat/obese people. On the flipside, the Mazda, in recent Mazda tradition, was put together much better. It had innovative features, felt a lot more expensive, and was noticeable cheaper.

Jay Lauer > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 12:07

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And in Kansas, AWD just isn't necessary. The job could be done by a 5-series touring fairly easily.

CAR_IS_MI > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 12:20

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I will chime in here as a guy who currently owns a Wrangler, and has owned in the past both lifted, and non lifted trucks, in both gas and diesel variants.

Let me start by sharing an article I wrote about the difference between a "bro-truck" and a lifted truck built for off road purposes. I am not saying you're right or wrong, just want to clarify that there IS a difference.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Now that that's out of the way; the Wrangler is great, one of the most fun vehicles I have ever owned, and just as a test, I took it through some pretty challenging terrain in full stock form, and it performed with flying colors. It however, is not fast, in any way shape or form. My diesel F350 would have smoked the Jeep in any race, stock for stock, by a long shot. The Jeep also has a towing capacity of none. Okay, not true, with a class three hitch and an upgrade to 3.73s or higher, you can tow a max weight of 3500 lbs (a pair of jet skis and the trailer their on...). With a factory class two hitch and stock 3.21 gears, you can tow 2500 lbs.

My F350 had a payload of 3700 lbs, a bumper tow rating of 7500 lbs, and a 5th wheel rating of 14,500 lbs. My old F150 could pull 5000 lbs off the bumper. So basically, if you have anything you want to bring along, the Jeep doesn't make the cut.

Also, the cargo area in the jeep is all of 2.5' in length (in the 4dr, the 2dr is less) and maybe 4' tall with a roof on. If you plan on moving anything other than groceries, the Jeep doesn't make the cut.

The Jeep only surpasses the trucks in stock for stock off road capability (generally speaking). If you need a truck for 'truck things' but also want to go off road, but, like most people, do not have piles of cash in which to buy both a truck and a Jeep, then your only option may be to buy a truck and lift it. Just saying.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 12:36

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I hear you. I'm hoping the interior is as upgrading as the exterior for the Acadia. I just love the new "face" of GMC lately. Traverse is 100% MUV though (Mom Utility Vehicle, with little emphasis on Utility).

AWD/4x4 isn't 100% necessary here outside Detroit either. I just feel a little safer having one around in case of emergencies, like during a good snow storm. With a 10 month old, it's good to be able to get out for something when a foot of snow gets dumped if absolutely necessary. We previously had 2, I had an S10 Blazer. Got rid of that so we could have ONE fuel efficient vehicle.

Jay Lauer > CAR_IS_MI 12/02/2013 at 12:42

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You're very right in your response. I've contemplated getting a Wrangler personally many times, but the practicality stopped me every time, which led to my WRX wagon.

In my opinion, most Bro-Trucks never see much "truck time." I'm not saying all of them never do, but a majority. By truck-time, I man hualing, towing, and carrying. All the stuff someone would buy a truck over a car for.

Because of my belief that most Bro-Trucks don't do much truck work, I compared it too the Wrangler, which physically can't do much truck work, like you stated. The fairly similar in that regard, but the Wrangler is an absolute blast to drive, which the Bro-Truck isn't.

I feel like I may come off slightly as having a hatred of trucks, which I don't. I grew up on a dairy farm in Kansas, so I can't really not like trucks. My dad and his sibling all how Powerstrokes, and there's currently a '99 F350 4x4 4 door longbed. 7.3 diesel with 650k miles. It's a worktruck, and gets used because it is needed. I respect it.

When you have to shotput things into the bed because it is so high, I find the truck to start to lose it's purpose.

Jay Lauer > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner 12/02/2013 at 12:47

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You're right on about 4x4. But do be careful about which four-wheel system to choose. Many AWD's fitting to cars, like the Traverse, are front wheel biased, and heavily so. Many Haldex systems used either a 90/10 or 95/5 split. Haldex is why the Audi TT was such a garbage car.

When I went skiing in Colorado, it was just a sea of Subarus, and some Audis. And they pick them for one reason, they work.

I got my Subaru stuck in thick mud, while mudding, because I am an idiot. I had a friend in his 2012 Dodge 3500 4x4 come try to pull me out. But, the AWD system was replaced by electronic garbage, so it kept getting confused and cutting power. Eventually a 30-year-old Wrangler with a winch did the trick, and the Ram drove away with it's head held low.

A lot of this you may know already, so I don't want to seem pretentious, but the type of AWD is very important, and that often gets overlooked by people.

thebigbossyboss > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 12:49

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Thanks! Follow up: 10/10!

CarFanatic > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 13:08

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Appearance vs Function. Mall Crawler vs Trail/Rock/Mud Crawler. Urban Cowboy vs Urban Escapee and Adventurer. Bro vs adventure-seeker-minus-the-attitude.

Lifted trucks that serve a legit off-road experience are typically adorned with aftermarket products that aid in serving that purpose. People in the know can discern between a Mall Crawler and a true off-road rig. Put a lot of crap on for bling effect, and I'm not impressed. Put the right stuff on for true off-roading, and I'll gladly discuss destinations, type of off-roading, etc...

As for girls being impressed by lifted trucks, I haven't actually met any. I have met many gals who appreciate the fact that their man seeks adventure off pavement with their off-road rigs. It isn't the truck that attracted the ladies...it was the man's desire to experience life. Sure, there are probably a handful of superficial girls who find lifted trucks appealing because of the country life photos they've seen on Tumblr/InstaGram. I think a scientific study is in order here: survey urban and rural girls to see how many find a utilitarian truck, which represents a mature individual, to be more attractive than a Bro truck.

Jay Lauer > CarFanatic 12/02/2013 at 13:22

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Well 80% of those superficial country girls lived where I grew up. I grew up on the edge of a big city surrounded by farmland. WHen the country bug his a couple years ago, everyone decided they were actually country people, and girls leeched on to lifted pickups bought by kids' parents.

But your point is pretty much the point I'm making. I respect utilitarian trucks that get used for truck things. I don't expect trucks that are cock-pieces and pavement-queens. My father has a full time (nice) truck that he only used when I truck is required. Otherwise, he drives an 84 SVO Mustang, and saves tons of money on fuel.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 13:33

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Absolutely. That's why we won't be doing any mudding in said Jeep Commander. I'm a diehard believer in real, true 4x4. There is a difference! And some people don't get it.

The Commander sport is AWD and isn't selectable/lockable at all. I'm not a big fan of that. I prefer being able to use a shifter to select 2hi, 4hi, 4lo. If you can't make those selections thats sign #1 that it's not THAT GREAT of a 4x4/AWD system. (if it's a truck that is).

Deven > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner 12/02/2013 at 16:11

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I have to agree with montego about how low the new trucks sit at stock height. It took a 2" lift in the front to level my truck and even after that I still had to add larger tires for added ground clearance.

I will however say that I chose the rims for the looks and the same goes for the mud terrain tires versus all-terrains but it all still served the purpose of giving my truck the ability to go off-road.

Stef Schrader > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 16:28

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Ugh, this trend. STAHP.

Baylor's parking lots were flooded with the bro truck virus when I went there. Giant trucks that never saw more wilderness than the Park Cities or Cinco Ranch.

It made me want an Isetta for maximum parkability. Navigating a normal-sized car around those in dinky parking garages that weren't built for vehicular codpieces was a pain in the butt.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Deven 12/02/2013 at 16:32

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Good, I'm glad it's going off road. The rims can be for looks as long as they're functional, you're upgrading them might as well get the style you like, right? If you put 24 inch rims on it and made it no longer functional then it's a problem.

Trucks are waaaay too low these days. I almost feel like a new Chevy/GMC needs a 2" level and then another 2" full lift, so 4 up front 2 in the back to be a real truck again.

Jay Lauer > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner 12/02/2013 at 16:44

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You want one of these then. At least putting this in 4x4 means you hear a clunk and some metal moving, letting you know that shit is happening.

Jay Lauer > Stef Schrader 12/02/2013 at 16:48

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Hahahahaha I would love an Isetta.

Well apparently my Chevy Avalanche piece attracted the world's Avalanche owners to my campus. Luckily my E46 is just about as much of an asshole car as theirs.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 16:55

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Not a chance. lol, I only buy Domestic.

If I get a new truck for my DD its looking like one of these in the future:

If I want a winter beater truck, probably an early 90s Bronco or F150. Something like this:

Stef Schrader > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 16:59

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No, no. Avalanche owners are...let's call it "special."

(Ed.)

Jay Lauer > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner 12/02/2013 at 17:00

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You'd be surprised how capable the Land Cruiser is. It took away a gigantic chunk of Range Rover buyers. That's also why they hold their value so tremendously for a 90s car.

I'd say if you're going to buy an old Bronco, buy the cheapest. None many are in good condition, so just buy the cheapest one. You'll feel much less guilt about beating its ass up.

Jay Lauer > Stef Schrader 12/02/2013 at 17:02

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Don't tell that to the guy bitched me out in the comments. He really seemed to love my article.

Jay Lauer > Jay Lauer 12/02/2013 at 17:15

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By the way, how'd you become an author on Jalopnik?

Just curious

Deven > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner 12/02/2013 at 18:44

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Yeah the trucks, that aren't really trucks anymore are becoming an epidemic where I live. Mine is still lower than most but it gets the job done

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Deven 12/03/2013 at 09:39

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The right tires, a proper 4x4, and some good low-end torque will get you through the most of it.

I had an S10 Blazer 4x4 as my first truck, hopped up 4.3L, torquey as hell.

Drove it through 13 or so inches of unplowed snow once for about 10 miles, no issues. I was probably plowing the top part off with my bumper.

The ones that get me are the ones that are just not functional, you mean to tell me you're in a full size pickup and my old 80's blazer can clear more than you?

This is a 2013 F150, with that extra plastic "chin spoiler" (lol) it looks like it has 5-6 inches of clearance.

Deven > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner 12/03/2013 at 18:38

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Yeah I know what you mean I have a 2011 F-150 that's a 4x2 and has the v-6. One night with the standard road tires on I got stuck in a few inches of mud took a good 4 hours to dig out and put wooden planks under the tires. After I got those mud tires and went back to the exact same spot with no problems at all

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Deven 12/04/2013 at 09:24

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Yeah it's impressive what a good set of tires will do. It really should be the absolute FIRST upgrade to a truck or car in my opinion (especially a truck).

I wanted to get some nice big goodyear duratrac's for my wife's Commander (she wants it lifted too lol) but had to settle for some BFG All Terrains for the time being due to the insane cost of truck tires.

Deven > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner 12/04/2013 at 11:15

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Get some falken Rocky Mountains or the wild peak (I think is the other name for them) mine were about $170 each and they came with a 50,000 mile warranty

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Deven 12/04/2013 at 11:20

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I just found those at discount tire for 122 a tire. dude i think u got robbed. Unless there was a big price drop, or maybe it's a size difference.

They've done well for you? how long have you had them? do they look real aggressive on the truck?

We were tight on cash (happens with a a 10 month old) so instead of bald tires i got her a used set of the BFG A/T's + mount/balance for about 250. Will hold us over at least until next winter, probably more. They were take offs from what I assume was a crashed car because they had about 80% tread left.

Deven > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner 12/04/2013 at 11:25

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There was actually a price drop on them now that I think about it. And I've had them for about 9,000 or so miles and they still look new tread depth wise I'll try and put up a picture to show you how they look on the truck.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Deven 12/04/2013 at 11:29

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For the price they look pretty good. I just realized when I go a "size up from stock" like I always do on trucks (because fun) they jumped to 155 a tire. Giving F150, they are probably still bigger than the ones on the Commander which are LT245/70R17.

this is a quick google of what an F150 looks like with the duratracs I wanted for the Jeep, just for comparison. might be worth saving the 50 bucks a tire though.

Deven > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner 12/04/2013 at 11:33

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Yeah mine are a 285/70 R17

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Deven 12/04/2013 at 11:39

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That'll do it.

If I had the money I'd do the 1/4 inch leveler and the 2 inch lift she wants, and then put on 255/70R17 which would be pretty monstrous on a Commander.

Deven > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner 12/04/2013 at 12:04

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Yeah they would. Its funny though you're the first person I've heard of wanting to use a commander for more of its actual purpose than just a soccer mom runaround type of SUV.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Deven 12/04/2013 at 12:09

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Haha, there's a decent following of them and great advice from the jeepcommander forum. If I could get her to stop seeking out/flying down dirt roads it would probably be a good thing lol. Thing always has mud/dirt stuck to it when I get under for the oil change. I'm like "I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING!".

They are basically a stretched grand cherokee or exactly a durango so they are plenty capable. Just don't get used as often as they should. She'd love hers to look like this (I even found the right color!):

(without the silly two tone)

Ad_absurdum_per_aspera > Jay Lauer 12/04/2013 at 20:23

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That one doesn't qualify as a Bro Truck just on appearance. Too many of the mods here look as though they might be (if not necessarily for recreational off-roading) functional adaptations for a working farm/ranch truck. It's dirty, shows no evidence of chrome plated underneath parts, and doesn't have 18-wheeler-style exhaust stacks or, better yet, an absurd parody of a ship's funnel located squarely in the middle of what had previously been a usable cargo bed. To clear the bro bar with this one you'd also have to invoke bully-boy driving habits or show that it is used exclusively in an urban context and the accessories never get exercised.

Danger > Jay Lauer 12/04/2013 at 20:28

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Let's read it again after a good proof read.

jpaulus > Jay Lauer 12/04/2013 at 20:47

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Bro trucks are fucking stupid - end of story.

LeftHook > Jay Lauer 12/04/2013 at 21:03

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if you never needed to put anything in the bed or tow anything more than 1000 pounds, a Wrangler is the way to go. I used a utility trailer behind my 02 4runner as a pickup bed and to haul the bike around but I'm screwed when it comes time to need a car hauler and having to store the trailer somewhere and then go get it every time I wanted to do anything sucked a lot. I have a 1967 Cougar, a 1973 CB750 and a YZ450f and am a homeowner - having a pickup bed is invaluable.

Plus, I just sold my b6s4 Avant 6MT so while the drive is atrocious by comparison, it's kind of nice not to have it in the shop 3-5 days a month. Trucks are simple.. well, compared to a VAG product they are... humph.

wbizarre - OEM fetishist > Jay Lauer 12/04/2013 at 21:03

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black smoke rolls out as if they're still choosing a new pope

Lil' Wayne approves.

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > Jay Lauer 12/04/2013 at 22:00

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I drive a lifted 4Runner, and I do not understand why someone would want something any bigger, BUT it really depends on what else is done to a truck. If you ever get a chance, drive a bro-truck diesel with a bit of money shoved under the hood. There is nothing like it.

Ayerea > Jay Lauer 12/04/2013 at 22:06

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As a good redneck female, I love a good lifted truck. However there is a rule, you must actually lift it for a reason and use it as intended. If you have low profile tires, 2 wheel drive and a sparkling paint job, it's a bro truck and is therefore stupid. If your truck is splattered in mud, has big ass offroad tires, bead-locks, locking differentials, roll cage, snorkel, etc etc, then it is acceptable. If you're truck isn't covered in mud often, you're using it wrong.

Brutal Calves > Jay Lauer 12/04/2013 at 22:07

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No bro truck is complete without "Tapout" stickers...

Because in these times simply having a huge non functional truck is not enough for twinks to acquire "badass" status..

sammyjay > Jay Lauer 12/04/2013 at 22:14

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Things that make a bro truck a bro truck:

quad cab; rockstar wheels; nitto mud grapplers; window tint; subwoofers; aftermarket/smoked headlights/taillights

looks like a certified bro truck here, boys, move along

Jay Lauer > Ad_absurdum_per_aspera 12/04/2013 at 22:35

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The dirt and dust was because I drove it down a couple dirt roads.

When the owner saw that he was very much not happy. Sound bro enough?

Jay Lauer > LeftHook 12/04/2013 at 22:40

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You sold a B6 S4 Avant 6MT?

The Jalopnik world would smite you for such a travesty.

My assumption (I haven't driven a B6 S4 yet) is that they're fairly reliable, just thirstier than middle school girls. I looked at a couple B5 S4s, and almost all of them were hopeless. Fast, but I knew it would bleed me dry.

So, I bought a BMW.

Jay Lauer > Ayerea 12/04/2013 at 22:56

1

True dat. Simply put, trucks should be used for truck things.

Who says mud is just for trucks?

Jay Lauer > Brutal Calves 12/04/2013 at 22:57

2

You're missing the boy pissing on another company's logo.

Jay Lauer > Danger 12/04/2013 at 22:58

2

Harsh, but fair.

Brutal Calves > Jay Lauer 12/04/2013 at 23:05

1

Seen that too. More often I see the grenade sign as well as "monster energy" signs.

Jay Lauer > Brutal Calves 12/04/2013 at 23:10

0

Or the Fox dirt-bike schtuff logo.

I lived in Kansas. I can go all day on truck stickers.

Ry-bones, FiST pilot > Jay Lauer 12/04/2013 at 23:18

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Good luck.

Doug DeMuro > thebigbossyboss 12/04/2013 at 23:51

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Actually I disagree! Jay's point would be the entire point of these trucks is philosophy and appearance-based, so it doesn't really matter how they drive... and he's right! Same reason Mercedes could come out with an SL that drives like cow manure and people would still buy it (for the image). And guess what - they've done just that!

cartapacio > Jay Lauer 12/04/2013 at 23:59

1

Until you hit that part where the subaru will get stuck because it doesn't have the clearance to go through.

Trucks are versatile but I would never own a truck like the one in the picture.

Jay Lauer > cartapacio 12/05/2013 at 00:14

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Funny you say that. I'm actually writing my mudding experience story right now. You're very right, ground clearance and my stupidity were my big problems. With a lift and proper tires, it would've been fantastic out there though. Subaru's AWD is simply unparalleled.

Luckily, the truck in the picture isn't mine either. It's an acquaintance's truck. I would never own it either, as you can tell by my loving remarks.

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > Jay Lauer 12/05/2013 at 00:21

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What I got from this....

Bro trucks are stupid and should be avoided at all costs.

Thanks for reaffirming what I already thought.

Also...if I see one more girl post something something Luke Bryan's ass on social media, I'm quitting.

BayerischeMotorenLiebhaber > Stef Schrader 12/05/2013 at 00:24

0

Oh Baylor... I graduated in 2010 and hated always having to park between two lifted Z71 Tahoes or Ford F-150s in the business school parking garage. Then there was my experience living in frat-tastic Penland and being the only person who didn't seem to have a Browning sticker on their back window. I conformed to the *other* Baylor stereotype and simply drove a BMW.

Jay Lauer > Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment 12/05/2013 at 00:29

1

It's hard to tell if that's an approving or disapproving comment.

Basically, I'm saying if you're going to have 4x4 kit, use it. If you want to spend your money wisely buying a capable off-road vehicle, buy a Wrangler. It's just a reaffirmation to use your vehicle for whatever it's intended for.

If I see another girl posting another Luke Bryan song lyric, I'm quitting social media.

Stef Schrader > BayerischeMotorenLiebhaber 12/05/2013 at 00:34

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Ha, I graduated in 2010, too. Small interworlds.

I got a new car for graduation—early—and within two weeks of me owning it, someone with some kind of tow hitch/bike rack punched a hole in the back bumper on the roof of the Garage Mahal. :o( That garage wasn't made for normal sized vehicles in the first place, much less Trucks of Epic Brodom.

BMW FTW. Those were much easier to park around!

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > Jay Lauer 12/05/2013 at 00:35

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Oh very approving. Your description of the steering was wonderful.

And yes that too. Holy fuck. My ex (part of the reason she's my ex, maybe) literally ever other goddamn minute would feel the need to talk about Luke Bryan, post lyrics by Luke Bryan on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. I find him of average appearance and average...everything. I do not know what the hype is about. Of course I hate country music generally anyway so I'm biased. But still. At least some of them have talent/look like they would be somebody a girl would keep pictures of under their bed. Luke Bryan is a big blob of Meh.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Jay Lauer 12/05/2013 at 00:38

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How much do the big tires throw off the speedo?

Jay Lauer > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 12/05/2013 at 00:45

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Hard telling. I wasn't much concerned with the speed as far out in the middle of nowhere as I was. Secondly, the handling and wheel wobble was a bit too frightening to gather up any real speed.

My guess is that 44in. tires are going to fuck your speedo up quite a bit unless you take care of it after installation.

DayWooTang > Jay Lauer 12/05/2013 at 00:51

0

Does everyone drive a pickup in this suburbia?

Jay Lauer > DayWooTang 12/05/2013 at 00:58

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It's Kansas. Everyone drives a pickup. End sentence.

I went to Texas to buy that Mazda3.

Volksandmopar > Jay Lauer 12/05/2013 at 01:12

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It sucks when people get bro trucks and offroaders confused.

Jay Lauer > Volksandmopar 12/05/2013 at 01:19

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One is muddy and one is clean.

It should be as simple as that.

Zibodiz > americancarfanboi 12/05/2013 at 02:05

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All those typos and you pick just one to cite him on? Then when he fixes it, you give him one more? oi vey...

LeftHook > Jay Lauer 12/05/2013 at 04:39

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don't be fooled. It is still a VW product. It has a motor that carries a 13k price tag for a replacement... oh but just the long block. Timing chain is on the rear of the motor to save space but you can't really bring yourself to drop 7k to do a preventative timing chain service unless you're SERIOUSLY committed., and is uses a whole bunch of plastic guides that you hope will not result in lunching the motor if one breaks. I loved the car and spared no expense on it.. it was gorgeous, sounded amazing.. but this kept me up at night:

even when it is in something as pretty as this:

Thunderingbirds > DayWooTang 12/05/2013 at 08:56

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You make it sound like there shouldn't be two in my driveway.

/Texas

Scaggnetti > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 12/05/2013 at 09:06

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I am running 34 inch tires on my LMM Duramax "bro truck" and the tuner allows you to program tire size. So if done the right way, it doesn't at all.

BayerischeMotorenLiebhaber > Stef Schrader 12/05/2013 at 10:40

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Smaller world. I too had someone's trailer hitch back into my bumper, except it was in the Collins garage and I was in my car when it happened so they didn't get away with it.

Stef Schrader > BayerischeMotorenLiebhaber 12/05/2013 at 10:53

0

Ha, that's at least something. I got no note, no nothin'.

I feel like I need to take my LeMons car every time I drive through Waco. That place is nuts.

Jay Lauer > LeftHook 12/05/2013 at 10:57

0

Well there's always the LSx swap.

yhatzee89 > Jay Lauer 12/05/2013 at 12:23

0

Enough with the "bro-Truck" hating already! We got it everybody who doesn't drive one is obviously easily intimidated. Because people who drive them only have them because they want to be looked at? Really? I'm getting sick of this asinine stereotypes simply being accepted as fact that only people with tiny dicks drive anything nice. Why can't it just be that people like driving tall trucks? Diesels are epically awesome, they have shitloads of power and are fun to drive. So why is it a sign of below average penis size to own one (they don't come in S-10's). Large Trucks are also really comfortable. Plenty of room inside, with the ability to throw whatever the hell you want in the back. Not to mention for people with a little bit of apprehension about driving in heavy traffic, a tall vehicle allows the driver to have a better line of sight. It also always provides an escape route, because you can always jump the curb.
Although I will concede one point, I FUCKING HATE LUKE BRYAN!!!! I hate how every "country girl" out there automatically thinks you listen to him because you drive a pickup, I personally hate country music so it really irritates me.

xx45xx > Jay Lauer 12/05/2013 at 12:29

0

youve got enough sidewall there to actually function as sidewalls.

let me guess. 37s on 18s?

Jay Lauer > yhatzee89 12/05/2013 at 12:35

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It's not Bro-Truck hate so much as it's the particular Bro-Truck driver that get the hate. I just think if one's going to spend the money for lots of off-road kit, then one should take it off-road once in a while. If the lifted-diesel truck is only used for the same things that a Honda Accord is used for, then that person somewhat-misused your money. The owner got fairly mad at me for getting his truck as dirty as the top picture shows, so my guess is that he doesn't off-road it.

You're right, trucks are comfortable and spacious, and I didn't know curb jumping was a viable option until I went to Texas.

Not to sound like a pretentious douche hear, but I'm just reviewing this one man's Bro-Truck. I bet if I drove a properly set up one, the handling would be fine and it would be a blast.

Tall vehicles do have the line of sight, but clearly you've never tried standing out of a sunroof in stand-still traffic. That too is a viable option in Texas traffic.

Jay Lauer > xx45xx 12/05/2013 at 12:36

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It's either 40s or 44s on 20s.

xx45xx > Jay Lauer 12/05/2013 at 12:56

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no. its not.

this is what 44s look like.

Jay Lauer > xx45xx 12/05/2013 at 13:01

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Well maybe its just 40s. I know when the owner talked about it the first number in the tire size was a '4.'

He could be lying though. If so, that kind of just reaffirms another trait of what would thought about the bro-truck owner. One who compensates by lying.

xx45xx > Jay Lauer 12/05/2013 at 13:48

1

nitto doesnt make a 44" mud grappler anyways. i guess you're right. the capability of trucks is astounding, when the driver, intaller, and equipment selected are all of a competent and respectful lot. the clown-like decorations paid for by the ignominious ass-hats who would ruin any other vehicle they touch is also apparent on the streets.

ezeolla > Jay Lauer 12/05/2013 at 13:59

1

I sold my Mazda3 (2007) for a Wrangler (2005) and have never regretted it. The ladies love the idea of top down and doors off

Since owning the Jeep, I have graduated college, got a job, got a dog, got married, and bought a house. So scientifically speaking, it will make your life better

Rv64089 > Jay Lauer 12/05/2013 at 14:02

0

You sir are 100% correct. I see the bro douches with their POS dodge pickups when they hit there senior year of high school and entering college. I live right by my old high school so I see it all the time. They ride there daddy bought Dodge street queen pavement pounders with their loud magna flows thinking their hot shit with their shiny chrome rims and trim and low profile tires that never have seen a trail.

Rv64089 > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner 12/05/2013 at 14:07

0

I drive a 95 lifted Bronco. Small lift, over sized tires, still practical since it's my daily driver. I go offroading, it's my hunting vehicle when we go into camp that you need to drive through the woods to get to. Older vehicles owners cherish more, they are easier to build, parts are cheap when they break and they are no street queen. I see it all the time daddy and mommy buy their 18 year old kid thats a senior a brand new Chevy and douche Dodge, they ask for more money to lift it, drive around like idiots beat the shit out of their trucks and think they are "awesome".

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Rv64089 12/05/2013 at 14:18

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I agree 100%.

In another thread on this article I posted a pic of I believe a 94 bronco saying if I were to have a winter/off road truck that's what it would be! I know the engine well already because of the Montego sharing a lot of components.